Father

Separated

Born of a Father, Mother umbilical cut.

The search begins. Am I wanted, am I safe, am I loved?

Life unfolds. The looks and mixed messages. Fed but not hugged. My home isn’t safe with abuse in the smiles. The abyss in my stomach commences in me. My body shudders with unloved weakness. My frame aches with heart pain. Shame and fear my hidden shadows. I run as soon as able. Something safe something stable.

Running

This invisible need drives me. I don’t trust myself. I’ll take anything that looks like love. Keep running, keep searching. Use me, admire me but look in my eyes and tell me I’m loved. Am I beautiful, am I valuable, am I home?

Keep running, keep searching. Every encounter a scar. The hope of unconditional acceptance. My depths cry “father, where are you” but my mind I’ve long since numbed. I run till I’m lost and alone.

Alone

Separated and scared. A lone boat in an endless and empty sea.

Fragile and wounded. No one here but me. No lines of attachment. No strong harbour walls.

It’s cold, I’m exhausted. No one comes, no one calls. I drift, I endlessly drift. A trail of blood red rejection the only memory of my life. I can run no further. So tired and defeated “why father, why was I not good enough for you”.

Reunited

At those words, something deep stirs within. Back, back before the endless sea, before the desperate running in me. Before the unlove and evil smiles. Before the umbilical cut and blood-stained towels. There’s something back further. Warm light and safe love.

I look harder, back further and in my blurred view, a Father, strong Father a face I once knew. I’m held and I’m squeezed in arms of warm love, with whispers of purpose and power from above. I’m planned and I’m wanted and within that safe seat, the abyss within me implodes and retreats. The healing goes further, I hear the word “Child”, I’m no longer alone, rejected or wild. All fear, all failure replaced by connection. United to a Father incapable of rejection.

I’m now tightly-tethered to a truth that brings life. An umbilical mended, a meaningful life. RW.